I Can't Escape This Now (Unless You Show Me How)
by ihearttvsnark
Summary: Two firsts in one night could be too much for Elijah to handle (Set after 1x20 and includes minor spoilers and speculation for 1x21).


**I Can't Escape This Now (Unless You Show Me How)**

When a man has been alive for over a thousand years, it's an extremely rare occasion for him to experience something unique for the first time. Elijah made peace with the fact long ago that there were not many firsts left for him in this life. Whether it was a blessing or a curse was something he could not answer for certain. But in his world, he'd seen and done and felt almost everything life had to offer at least once.

That was just how things worked after one walked the earth for over a thousand years. He knew, understood and accepted that reality and it had served him well. It kept him composed and grounded and it stopped his judgment from getting cloudy at inopportune times. When a man had as many enemies as he did, a clear head was a necessity.

Now, after a thousand years, he must reconcile the knowledge that he lost his precious composure not once, but _twice_ in the same day. He's let his emotions get the better of him and that's a first – a first that he cannot fathom.

The terror he'd felt when he'd been standing over Hayley's lifeless body, listening to his niece's singular heartbeat as he desperately waited for any sign of life from the woman who'd come to matter so much to him, still seemed to have a vise grip on his chest. It didn't matter that Hayley was all right now and that he knew she was safe at the compound. He was not going to forget the helplessness he'd felt as he'd stood over her, unable to do anything to save her. Elijah had promised to protect her and he'd failed her.

He'd meant it when he'd told her the terror he'd felt had been like no other when she'd been lost to him. Elijah had witnessed death and loss – buried loved ones and the family he treasured more than life itself, but this had been different. What good was being immortal, being powerful, being unstoppable – what good was any of that if he could do nothing other than stand by and watch the woman he loved die right in front of his eyes?

The thought alone is enough to make his blood run cold once more. The desire to rush back to the compound and check on Hayley is overwhelming and he would already be there if he was not still attempting to deal with the second first he'd experienced that evening, the one that was ever lower and more vile than the terror he was still struggling to overcome.

_Cowardice_.

He's lived for over a thousand years and he's faced wars and death and heartbreak and loss head on, but he'd run away from a kiss. The shame inside of him rose up and threatened to suffocate him, battling with the terror in his chest to slowly drive him insane as his mind played both incidents on a never-ending loop. There was Hayley lying on the table, cold and unreachable and then there was Hayley, warm and alive, and in his arms. She'd made the first move and he'd responded, letting out the urges that he'd been fighting for so long.

As he'd returned the kiss, Elijah had felt his control slipping away. He'd wanted nothing more than to keep Hayley in his arms and show her just how much he wanted her – he'd wanted to let her inside his walls and allow her to see the depths of what he felt for her and what he was willing to do to ensure her safety and happiness. He'd wanted to get lost in her and forget everything else and for a moment he had and then the kiss broke and a choice had to be made. He'd left, sped out of the room without a single word and he hated himself for taking the easy way out because it was the last thing he wanted.

Elijah thought about the conversation he'd had with Niklaus when he'd discovered his brother's most recent treachery with the wolves. He'd vowed to go after what he wanted, _who_ he wanted, and Elijah had no intention of letting his little brother's whims get in his way any longer. But then he'd seen how happy Hayley had been and he'd realized that had to be enough for him – seeing her smile was more important than his needs and wants. He would have continued to keep his distance, but she'd kissed him first and now that he knew the taste of her lips, he craved nothing more than to feel her warm mouth against his for the rest of his days.

But he'd left her alone instead because the terror of almost losing her was too fresh in his mind. How could he allow himself to be with her when she wasn't safe with him? Hayley had almost died with him standing right there. He hadn't even had enough sense to attempt to feed her blood – he'd been too scared to think clearly and he'd lost his composure and the clear head that he prided himself on. If she'd died, he would not have survived and that was what was making him weak. But it wasn't his own life that his failures put in danger, it was hers. What right did he have to risk her happiness just so that he could have a taste of his own?

* * *

War is upon them.

Less than twenty-four hours after their day of peace to honor Father Kieran, the battle has begun with Marcel and his vampires striking first. They'd ambushed the wolves, beaten and tortured them in their effort to find out what Klaus was planning with them. Jackson stumbles into the compound, bruises marring his face, his body showing signs of exhaustion, as he hugs Hayley and shared his tale with them.

Elijah stands back, not wanting to intrude on Hayley's moment with her friend, but her gaze finds his over Jackson's shoulder and despite the tension rising over the attack, Elijah recognizes the look she gives him. It's the one that says she put herself out there once and she isn't going to do it again – the ball is in his court now and she expects him to step up or else they are just going to stay in this same place, walls growing higher between them with each passing moment.

He wants to act, but the terror holds him back once more. Standing in the courtyard reminds him of Hayley lying dead on the table, trapped in another dimension as his father tried his hardest to end her life. Pure hatred rushes through his veins and Elijah almost wishes Mikael was still with them so he could have the pleasure of being the one to send his father to hell this time. But he'll be there soon enough once the Other Side finishes deteriorating.

The distracting thoughts are enough to break the spell between them, Hayley's gaze is already on Jackson once more as Niklaus joins them and they listen as Jackson tells his tale. Marcel and his men are planning to bring the fight to them next and they need to prepare for battle. Elijah tries to focus on what needs to be done. He can see that his brother is gearing up as well, but they both know that what's required of them will not be an easy task. Hayley slips out to show Jackson where he can get cleaned up and Elijah feels something hard and painful burying itself in his stomach.

Hayley is back at his side when Francesca arrives with some of her lackeys. As usual, she's filled with false promises and insistences that she's not planning to pick a side. She claims to want peace, but they all know better. Niklaus sends them on their way and mutters something about needing a drink before disappearing in the opposite direction. Elijah can feel Hayley's eyes on him, but she doesn't say anything. She's waiting for him and that familiar terror raises up once more.

He's already failed her once and he can't risk doing it again. Elijah meets her gaze and she just shakes her head and turns away, reading his lack of intentions on his face. The terror tightens its grip on his heart, but this time, Elijah ignores it. He steps forward and grabs Hayley's arm before she can take another step. She shifts to face him and he catches the brief hint of confusion on her face before his hand slides up into her hair and he's kissing her like a man possessed, a man who knows what he has in front of him and is not stupid enough to let it go twice.

Her hand is on his arm and she returns the kiss with just as much passion and frustration as he feels. It's longer than their first kiss, neither of them in any hurry to pull away. But he knows the need to breathe is vital for her and he pulls back, his hand still anchored in her hair as he watches her face, waits for her to open her eyes. When she does, he sees his own feelings reflecting back at him and despite everything, the terror, the danger they'll be facing at any moment, a smile crosses his face. "I do apologize for my timing."

She laughs and the sound is enough to make some of the tension fade from his shoulders. "Always so late to the party," she teases and then her lips are on his once again and he lets go of the terror and allows happiness to seep into its place, if only for a few moments.


End file.
